Hopkins can’t save ‘Wolfman’ (2.5/5)

The Wolfman

Starring: Benicio del Toro, Emily Blunt, Anthony Hopkins
Directed by: Joe Johnston
Rating: R for bloody horror violence and gore.
Running time: 1 hours, 59 minutes (unedited director’s cut)

“The Wolfman” is a series of understated sequences followed by moments of unintentional comedic effect.

Joe Johnston (“Jumanji,” “October Sky,” “Jurassic Park III,” “Hidalgo”) tries his hand at this simply adequate remake of the 1941 classic “The Wolf Man.”

The updated “Wolfman” is a dark enough production, and the style and pacing will appeal to many who love older movies, but the film’s subtleties and plot-driven manner have made it difficult for contemporary audiences to immerse themselves.

In fact, the worst parts were undoubtedly the scenes that were meant to draw in today’s audiences — they felt too contrived, too predictable, too cheesy. And that is exactly where Johnston will scare away the classical aficionados, thereby driving away any solid viewership.

There aren’t many surprises with this movie — as with many remakes, you know where it’s going when you walk in. Lawrence Talbot (Benicio del Toro) returns to England when his brother’s fiancee, Gwen Conliffe (Emily Blunt), seeks his help in finding her betrothed. The brother’s body is soon found, mauled by a savage beast, much like the bodies of other victims. Pub tales tell of werewolves, to which some scoff and others cross themselves.

While in England, Lawrence is reunited with his estranged father, Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins), and finds himself falling for Gwen.

But a nighttime ride to a gypsy camp to uncover his brother’s killer ends in terror for Lawrence as the werewolf makes an unexpected appearance and Lawrence ends up being bitten.

Now Lawrence must cope with mending a broken relationship with his father, falling in love with his dead brother’s fiancee and, oh yeah, turning into a horrible monster.

The point of movies like this is not to have a flabbergasting ending but to plunge the audience into the story. Unfortunately, “Wolfman” is unable to grasp the viewer.

Having the lead role in your movie miscast, as was Benicio del Toro as the Wolfman, forces the rest of the film to rise above and beyond the call of duty to make up for such a noticeable lack — sadly, “Wolfman” fails to do this. A lesson for del Toro — being a producer does not mean that you should be the main character.

The shining beacon of this movie is undoubtedly Anthony Hopkins. He’s engaging and seems to get even creepier as he ages. (Is it even possible for him to top his role as Hannibal Lecter? Doubtful, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still scary.)

I actually was interested in this movie because of Emily Blunt (“Dan in Real Life,” “The Jane Austen Book Club,” “The Devil Wears Prada”), but this has been the first movie in which she has not totally captured me.

This movie does have some pretty interesting parts. I especially enjoyed the transformation sequences, but could have lived without most of the overdone fighting scenes. The atmospheric night scenes in the woods, however, were fairly frightening.

And they should have kept the viewers guessing [an engaged watcher’s imagination is all it takes to scare the wits out of someone, trust me] — because once you start getting some good, up-close-and-personal looks at the Wolfman, he’s not quite so scary anymore. More like Chewbacca with indigestion.

If you’re a fan of werewolves or of classic storytelling, “Wolfman” may be a movie worth watching.
But if you’re looking for a terrifying, action-packed gore-fest, this isn’t it (even the unedited version was tame enough for me to watch without covering my eyes).

2.5 of 5 stars

Puzzling, cliché ‘Legion’ a letdown (1.5/5)

Legion

Starring: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Adrianne Palicki
Directed by: Scott Stewart
Rating: R for strong, bloody violence and language.
Running time: 1 hour, 40 minutes.

“Legion” is one of the biggest disappointments this year — and that’s saying a lot.

From undeveloped characters to a predictable plot and plain bad scriptwriting, “Legion” fast became its own worst enemy.

This Scott Stewart film just couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. A horror? A drama? A thought-provoking look into human nature? A mess?

Well, it got that last one right.

I’m all for fresh writers in the caught-on-repeat Hollywood scene, but maybe Stewart’s and fellow co-writer Peter Schink’s untested writing abilities are partly to blame.

Idealistically, fresh writers bring fresh ideas. But too often, they end up falling back on awful movie clichés.

The moment any movie character threatens “the child,” I know there’s no recovery. Unfortunately for “Legion,” that’s pretty much how it opens.

Predictably, it’s all downhill from there.

It’s got an interesting premise. God is fed up with humanity, and so he sends his angels to eliminate the lying, greedy, selfish homo sapiens.

But Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany, who by himself is one of the few reasons to watch this movie) believes that God has it all wrong and that he just needs a little persuasion to see how awesome people really are. In the meantime, he must protect an unborn child from certain death at the hands of the angels.

A rundown, isolated desert diner — aptly named “Paradise Falls” — is the unlikely location for the standoff between Michael and God’s right-hand angel, Gabriel (Kevin Durand, who was incredible as the baddie in “Lost” but just lacks any depth here).

The diner is owned by Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid, who must have been hard up for work) and his son, Jeep Hanson (a flat-as-a-pancake Lucas Black). Yes, his name is Jeep. That ought to tell you something about this film right there.

Jeep is smitten with the very pregnant and adoption-minded Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), who is staying with the father and son duo and helping out at the diner.

After Michael comes and informs Charlie that her unborn child will somehow save the world, the diner is put into lockdown (helped along with the atmospheric loss of power). The group faces several unearthly “creatures” that come to kill them, including a matronly grandmother figure who spider-crawls up the walls and the local ice cream truck driver whose jaw is bigger than John Kerry’s.

Other than the Hansons, Charlie and Michael, there are a handful of other diner fighters. But, frankly, they’re hardly worth mentioning. Except to note that there is really no reason for Audrey to exist much less to dress in the most revealing clothes that side of the Mississippi.

“Legion” is full of unanswered questions that are more the result of writers block or shoddy planning than the mayhaps hoped-for intention of intellectual design.

For one, if God wanted everyone dead, why did he have to use subterfuge to accomplish it? How do guns kill angels? And what happens to the angels when they “die?” And why couldn’t the angels enter the diner? And what happened to everyone outside the diner? And why do the angels act more like hellbound demons than messengers from God? And why did I watch this movie again?

“Legion” fails at everything it tries to accomplish. It’s not scary (and I am quite possibly the easiest person in the world to scare), it’s not insightful and it’s not interesting. Jeep, presumably the main character, has absolutely no development, an IQ of perhaps 20, and is quite frankly very obnoxious.

The ending worries me a little. Stewart and co. clearly left “Legion” open for a sequel. I’ll consider recommending Stewart to sainthood if he doesn’t try to push through a “Legion II.”

1.5 of 5 stars

Funny ‘Zombieland’ still scares

Zombieland

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone.
Directed by: Ruben Fleischer.
Rating: R for horror violence/gore and language.
Running time: 1 hour, 20 minutes.

It’s that time of year again.

Time for costumes, candy and, oh yeah, horror films.

I am not the scary movie type. I was the one hiding in a corner with a blanket over my head while my friends watched the Chinese version of “The Eye” (you think it’s hard to watch a movie with subtitles, try to do it when you’re not even looking at the screen). But, to be fair, “The Eye” is a legitimate scary movie — at least the Chinese version is; I can’t vouch for the Jessica Alba fiasco.

I can take most slasher films. I actually really enjoy the “Saw” series. It’s the supernatural stuff that gets me, especially ones involving creepy little kids.

But that’s all beside the point. I watched “Zombieland” recently and had to keep myself in check — this was, after all, a comedy.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t jump on occasion. But, for fellow timid moviegoers, this film manages to satisfy the obligatory Halloween viewing without leaving you checking under your bed.

In “Zombieland,” the majority of the population has turned into (shockingly) zombies. The narrator (Jessie Eisenberg of “Adventureland” notoriety) tells the audience that these transformations began after a bad experience with a Mad Cow-diseased hamburger. And it was all downhill from there.

Now, the number of zombies greatly outnumbers that of normal humans. In fact, at the start, the narrator is our only known character, and he introduces us to the world by giving us a few of his most important zombie survival rules.

Rule No. 1: Cardio.

Narrator is a college-aged kid who was studying at the University of Texas when the mayhem struck and is now on his way back home to Columbus, Ohio, to see if his family is still alive.

On his way, he meets a tough, gun-toting, zombie-killing maniac (Woody Harrelson) who agrees to give him a ride in his truck. But, in order to avoid familiarity and, thus, any sort of friendship, he insists on calling the narrator by his destination, Columbus, and he refers to himself as Tallahassee.

Columbus soon discovers Tallahassee’s one weakness: Twinkies. It’s during a foray into a grocery store in search of the spongey snacks that they run into the untrusting Wichita (Emma Stone) and her intelligent 12-year-old sister, Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), who are headed to the rumored-to-be zombie-free amusement park Pacific Playland.

“Zombieland” is a fun, offbeat, clever film. Columbus’ “rules,” playing off the horror-flick stereotypes and the hilarious celebrity cameo, are reason enough to watch it.

Woody Harrelson is in a realm of his own in his role and is one of the main sources of the film’s entertainment.

Abigail Breslin also had a shining performance as the mouthy, know-it-all preteen, and it will be interesting to see what future roles she will decide to choose.

The one thing that really gets me is Jesse Eisenberg. I saw him in “Adventureland” too and I just can’t fathom how someone can look, act and talk so much like Michael Cera ("Superbad,” “Juno”) and not be related. It’s like watching someone acting like Michael Cera while he’s acting. But, besides that, Eisenberg did a great job.

And, though I would rather qualify “Zombieland” as the one “scary” movie I need to watch by Halloween, I grudgingly promised my boyfriend I’d watch an actual scary one soon. He may not be so eager to watch another after my fingernails have dug into his arm for an hour and a half.

3 1/2 of 5 stars